Contemplating Green

Whilst browsing through the images I have saved on my laptop today I pulled these three out as they caught my eye.  I seem to be drawn to green lately.  I don't know why as I have always been surrounded by so much blue thanks to my mother.  There seems to be something so grounded about green.  I mean, I wouldn't ever paint the outside of my house green but I have to say that I love the look of that beautiful old house in the top image with the fresh white trim.  I think I could accept green as an accent in my life. 

Look at Tory {middle image} sitting there ever-so-stylishly with that beautiful green side table mixed with the blue and white garden stools.  My mother is not a fan of green but look at all of that green in her lounge room {last image}...??  What's with that Mum?

Mixed with lots of white and blue and pink or blue and red and yellow, I think green could be a great colour to get to know a bit more...

image 1 - via frolic, image 2 - via peak of chic, image 3 - anna spiro

Shouldn't There Be More

Days like today I look around and wonder if this is all there is. It seems there should be more because if this is all there is, then what is the point? I don't desire any of the things I see others longing for.

Fame. Wealth. Prestige. Power.

They chase after it like dogs. Their tongues lolling about. I sit and watch them and wonder what is so great about this thing called "living" they long to have. You can't take any of it with you when you leave this world so what is the point of it?

What is its true value? I know people think I am crazy. Depressed. Insane. While I may be all of those things, in some ways I think I am more sane, stable, and aware than most people. Yet I don't chase after meaningless things.

Haven is the inspiration for this post. She posted today and she literally pulled the thoughts out of my mind. For hours I have been sitting here trying to figure out if I was dead or alive. Trying to determine if maybe I had fallen into some in between world where I am not alive but haven't yet accepted I have died. I was sitting here watching a movie called The Lovely Bones. If you haven't, then you should. Somewhere in the middle of that movie I thought I wonder if that's what's happened to me. Maybe I just need to let go.

Some days just exhaling seems to make sense. Some days I just want it to be over. Some days I just can't even breathe.

Calvi and some secluded bays - Corsica

I also want a yacht.

Relaxing

Instruction from Chade-Meng Tan

Everyday Compassion at Google. http://www.ted.com/talks/chade_meng_tan_everyday_compassion_at_google.html

Truth, Deep Breaths, and Cake

Tomorrow is my son's birthday. He's 16. This could probably explain some of my weirdness lately. June and August are hard months for me. Reminders of things lost. Irreplaceable things. Reminders of hopes and dreams that are nothing more than whispers in the wind. Never knowing if they will ever be more than shadows I glimpse out of the corner of my eyes. June and August are weird times for me. 

I haven't spoken to my children since 2006. To be honest, there have been times where I didn't even try. Too much pain. Too much heartache buried in rejection. Pretending. Ignoring. Less pain in numbness than in feeling. I don't know what his favorite food is anymore. It use to be my lasgna but who knows now. He use to be an amazing futball player. He was a striker but now? 

I wonder if he knows how to drive or if he has plans for his first car. So many thoughts rolling around the darkness of my brain. I stalk my ex (his father) and my ex's wife on facebook. Their status updates always make me laugh at their hypocrisy. I think if people only knew your truth, but I remain silent. Deep breaths. 

I never pulled the rope in the tug of war with my ex. Whenever he put my kids in the middle, I just would let go. I never wanted them to feel they had to choose sides. I never wanted them to feel they could only love one of us. No matter how much I hated my ex I loved my children more so when he tugged I let go. Whoever said take the high road was a fucking moron. I wish I had been a bitch. I wish I had put his ass in jail when he didn't pay child support. I wish lots of things but they are just wishes. Unrealized moments of what if's and should have beens. Deep breaths. 

Then there is my ex roommate. The catalyst in what led me to sending my kids to live with their father. She told me she would help me. She told me she was my friend. That she would be there for me and like the niave idiot I was I believed her bullshit because I was so alone. I wanted a friend. I wanted to believe her lies were different. That this time it would be different and it was. For a moment, but then she was fucking a married man and well you can only fuck married men in so many places. She wanted our one bedroom flat to be that place, but my daughter has a mouth that does not close so she couldn't fuck him if my kids were there. 

They were an interference in her affair. When it comes to fucking married men, promises get forgotten and friendships become burdens. 

She told me I had two weeks to find a new place to live so I phoned up my ex and for the first time in the 8-9 yrs my children had breathed the air on this planet I forced him to take care of them. A part of me knew that I would never see them again. A part of me knew that I was opening an alternative universe that I would never again be able to visit. A part of me knew I was about to step off of the edge of reality. A part of me I have lost somewhere. 

Her affair was the final straw in my crumbling world. A world that was slowly being filled with delusions, insanity, turmoil. A world I allowed to consume me once my children were "safe". For three years I allowed it to consume me. Its embrace was comforting. In its arms I didn't have to feel the emptiness. The pain. I didn't have to BE. 

I gave up hope. Hope of a tomorrow with my children in it. Hope of a day when truth is real and not the fantasy my ex and his wife make it out to be. She was our babysitter. My ex's best friend's daughter. I trusted her. Invited her into my home. Even afterwards. After the lies and the divorce and the torture, I still opened my home to her. 

I taught her about religion. Stupid fucking high road. Don't ever take the high road. Don't ever be the "better" person. It's a dead end street to nowhere and nothing. Because no one remembers the truth. Just their illusions. No one remembers she was our babysitter. No one remembers she broke my home. Ask anyone and I am the evil bitch. I abandoned my children. 

No one remembers the unanswered phone calls. The threats for leaving a message on the machine. No one remembers the letters. No one cares about the years spent homeless. Never knowing if there would be food or a place to sleep the next month. No one cares why. They just care that they are the "good" one. That's all that really matters anyways. Not truth. Exhale. 

What would I do differently? Honestly I don't know. I am the person I am today because of the pain. Because of the difficulties. Without them I don't know who I would be or what or where. I was slowly being sucked into a vortex that I didn't want my children to be a part of . I wanted them to know sunshine, and rainbows. I wanted them to see the flowers and feel the rain on their faces. I didn't want them to know what it felt like to have your breath sucked from your body. 

But somehow I think they know. All of the things I tried so hard to keep from them. They know. So today I wonder if my son is happy. If he is content. I wait for the day when maybe his curiosity will outweigh his hatred. A day when maybe just maybe. That is the day I wait for.

Tan Moth, with green/blue and yellow stripes on head

I have never seen one of these moths in my life, and i think it's won a special place in the corner of my heart that i have reserved just for bad ass moths.
The contrast of the green/blue fuzzy head stripes.... with the subtle shades of tan in outlined waves on it's wings... omg, it's too cool. Sometimes understated beauty is best.

There were actually several of these moths all in one spot outside my front door. Has anyone ever seen one of these before, or can give me an ID on what type of moth it is?
XoxOxox

A Woods Walk (much tiny beauty)

Since I have been sick the whole month of june (with suspected parasites from my pond, still waiting for test results to come back) .... i haven't been able to really walk much in the forest. I have been resting my body alot. The anti parasite herbal remedies i took made me half better, so today i went for a walk to see what the forest floor would behold. Cause if you look real close, there is always something going on - no matter how tiny the patch of ground you choose.
I found wild red bee balm, and mannnnnny mushrooms pushing their way up from the dirt...
Mushrooms hold some kind of magic, and no i don't mean the hallucinating and poisoning your enemy kind.... i mean, the way they always look like something in a fairy tale. Always manage to be beautiful, mysterious, and a sign of nature at it's best.
I saw alot of these tiny white flowers, which hang like bells or rain drops... or a saddness that is stunning in it's beauty.

I always get supremely excited when i see these mushrooms that look like underwater coral! I love when sea and land are so similar.
Tiny red wildflower.... growing near the red bee balm, but is not bee balm. Just a disguise.
XoxOXOX

White Moth with Black Spots

Freaking beautiful! I haven't seen one like this in many many years... maybe since i lived in Baton Rouge, LA.

It's like a white cheetah, or leopard! Anyone want to ID this moth, and what it's caterpillar looks like too??
I Looooooove eet!
XoxoxoOX

Can You See Me Now

To all of those who have "poked" me over the last few days, I so appreciate it. My husband left last Saturday for his trip and since then I have just been "being". Don't ask me what that means because honestly I don't even know. All I know is that I needed some time to breathe so that is what I have been doing. I love you guys and miss you. I have been reading your blogs although in a more stalkerly fashion. I just feel without words at the moment and so I am going with that feeling. 

But I am here, lurking in the shadows. I am certain my words will return. I mean hello I am bipolar so it is inevitable at some point the verbal diarrhea returns but until then am just enjoying the constipation.

Little Black Snake in my Bedroom

More snake-ness!!! love it.




Anddddd, Frank Zappa's Baby Snakes song....
LOL


XoxoxoXO

Cute Max Side Table


I've posted about our custom made Max coffee table before but today we took delivery of this little Max side table which I had made for placement between 2 single beds in a client's guest bedroom.  I couldn't resist sharing this little beauty with you all. 

Parade Party

Another small town thing we do here in Mabank is "Western Week".  It all revolves around the yearly rodeo, with food, games, bed races, queens to be crowned, and of course the main event the three night rodeo, ending with a dance.  It used to be a street dance, but since building the new pavilion...it has since been held there, with some still preferring the nostalgia  of the street dance.  As a kid,  I wasn't encouraged to attend such a thing, lol.

 Here it comes~!!!!

 Sisters and long~time cowgirls...

Do y'all see Grace Ann?

 Don't you just love have traditions begin?....

 Roni~Roni and Doodles enjoyed it, along with some of my great nieces and nephews!

 Uncle Sam and Besty Ross rode...

A party unplanned is sometimes the best party of all...Many stayed late and played 42.

We happen to live on the parade route!  About 10:00 A. M., I thought what about a parade party!!! And a great tradition was born... with family and friends, especially the new grands. 





Sandwiches, Sundaes, and Chocolate pie following the parade!



Making Memories and Embracing life in a small town...

Yee Haw

Lezlee

P.S.

To all my local blog friends: You are cordially invited to next year's annual parade party!

Save the Date and bring your dominoes!

Trip To The Doctor

XOOXOoxox

ROME!

I hopped over by ferry from Corsica to Italy for a few days to walk the streets of Rome and pay a brief visit to Pisa and Florence.

We had Clementine’s car which gave us more independence and the opportunity to pack all the basic camping goods.

Walking the streets and narrow alleys of Rome felt like walking through a big museum. There were monuments, ancient building, ruins and squares around every corner. There was always something new to discover as we wondered around - lots and lots of walking. 

There were so many awesome sights during our quick three day visit of Rome. I lived on a pizza only diet for four days and filled my water bottle up at all the fountains scattered in the city as I continued to complain about European beer prices. Street artists entertained and sold work all over and one was amused by some of their skills.

I thought that there were many tourists at the Forbidden City in China, but nothing beats a hot summer day in Rome. Tourists as far as the eye can see. We squeezed between the people to view the fabulous Sistine Chapel which also gave me the opportunity to take my time and take some shots of the colourful roof. So much ancient history between the walls of these buildings with art and statues all over dedicated to God and Roman leaders who all had six-packs and small penises.

Walking between the walls of the colosseum, eating ice cream on one of the several squares, giving way to one of many Vespa’s, having blisters on my feet, still using a two year expired Student Card, seeing one too many pictures of Jesus, munching pizza’s, being stuck in traffic and having perfect weather throughout added to a great experience.