What My Innards Look Like

“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

What message is yearning inside you?  What is something you know deep in your soul?  Don’t look for someone else to describe it.  You do it.  Write it down.  Write it as a poem, a sentence or even just a string of words.  Just make sure you get it to paper.

Through silent waters
Knee deep in mud
Struggling and straining


On and on
Never ending maze
Circle unbroken
Eternal flame

Into the vortex
Slip and slide
Forgetting tomorrow
Lost in time

Broken petals
Pierce the sky
Darkness evading
Passing by

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Getting back to some writing prompts. This is a past prompt but it's something I struggle with every single day.

“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mirror, mirror on the wall… find the nearest mirror. Look. Keep looking for 3 minutes. Write about what you see.

(Author: Esther Poyer)

 First let's talk about the quote itself. This speaks volumes to me. I lie to myself so much that I very rarely know the truth. I have found a sort of peace and calm within the lies that I don't want to leave them. I am now having to face some harsh realities and a part of me wants to run back to the fictitious world that I had created. A world filled with happiness and calm, a world that is slowly crumbling around me. I know it is important that I face the truth even if it is ugly, but a part of me wants to stay in the fantasy land. In the lies because there is no pain there. Even though the pain returns there are at least moments without it and to have just a moment without pain is all I really want. 

However to be honest, I could not do this. I cannot look in a mirror at myself for 3 minutes. On the very rare occasions I do look in the mirror, I do not even recognize the person standing there. It's as if I am looking at a stranger. There is such a sadness in the eyes of the person staring back at me. A sadness and an emptiness that pains me to see. 

The longer I look the uglier the reflection becomes. It morphs into this evil, repulsive creature that I don't want to believe is me, but it is what I think people see when they look at me. I just can't bear to look at myself. I see all of my flaws. All of the wrongness that is me. Even if it is a lie, I just want a few moments where I am not that broken creature staring back at me. So if I don't look, then it doesn't exist. If I pretend it's not there, then it disappears and for a few moments, I am free from the pain. Free from the past. Free from the hurt. 

In the end, that is all I really want. To be free. 


Edited to add:

I wrote the above but now having hit publish and sort of reading the quote again, I have had quite a few thoughts run through my mind, but the one that stuck out the most was the truth is not beautiful. It is a raging ugly beast that ravages everything it touches. I much prefer the "lies" of my fantasy world over the "truth" of reality.

Unleashing the Apocalypse

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, out inner voice, our highest self.”

Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

(Author: Tanner Christensen)

This is today's prompt in the #Trust 30 challenge that I recently found. This actually started in May I think so it's not actively going on or it might be and I just don't know which is totally possible. Anyways I just found it and as a few of these prompts speak to me I thought I would write about them. I really need some focus right now because I am just lost in the darkness at the moment. 

Self-censorship. I do this A LOT. I know if you read my blog for more than 5 secs you would not really think that I censor myself, but I do. Especially in real life. I hate confrontations. I hate rejection. I FEAR abandonment. I worry about displeasing. I very rarely say what I truly feel. I do this mostly because I think what I feel is wrong. I am wrong. I feel this deep within me that I am always wrong. My thoughts, feelings, actions, all wrong. So I don't say what I truly feel or want. I edit my thoughts and shape them around what I think is appropriate. What I think the other person wants to hear in hopes that they won't reject me. Abandon me. In hopes they won't become displeased by me. Stop liking me. 

Leave me. 

What is the strangest thing about this is that in many ways I truly don't give a flying fuck about what people think about me. But yet I do this and I don't know why sometimes. The fear that grips me at times is so overpowering that I just become a slave to it and I am forced by demons from within to alter my true thoughts, feelings, emotions, words. A vicious cycle  begins and I get so lost in trying to be this "person" I have created that I lose myself and become unhappy. This makes those around me unhappy. I appear "fake". Stop pretending is something I get told a lot. Yet in many ways I am not pretending, but I am. I convince myself that I want and feel what my mouth is uttering even though I truly don't.

I get so lost in trying to "be" that I forget who I "am".

Jigger was the first person to truly see through my bullshit. To see that there was something under it. Something more than just a game. He pushed me in front of the mirror. Forced me to say the things I didn't want to admit. Not even to myself. Forced me to open my eyes and I have become much better at not censoring myself. 

Except in my writing. I don't often truly say what I am feeling. I write in riddles and metaphors that I am certain people would never understand because I don't want to deal with the shit that comes with having to explain where I live and how. I don't want to have to answer the inevitable questions that come. I have answered them so many times in my life and for now I am done. I just want to be alone but not really. 

I don't really want to be alone. I just want to be allowed to be the me that I am instead of the me that I should be. The me that lives deep inside of me. The me that has never seen the sun or felt the rain in its face. I just want to be that me without having to explain why or how or because. I want people around me who accept that flawed broken me. Only there are very few people who are like that. 

What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

 I would tell my children the truth. The real truth. Not the PC truth. Not the truth that is padded or bent to keep them from feeling pain or hurt, but the complete truth. Except I would never do this because I could never hurt my children. I would rather they hate me. I never want to be the reason they hurt except I am and I don't know how not to be. 

I would tell you how the delusions of bipolar have removed my foundation. They have made me doubt myself so much that I don't say what I truly feel, want, desire because I am not certain if it is real. I lived for so long inside of a delusion that now I never trust myself. I never believe that what I am feeling is real. Being fake. Saying what the other person wants to hear is real. I have lost the ability to trust myself. Trust my feelings. I have lost the ability to believe that what my eyes are seeing is real. That what my ears are hearing is actually there.

The delusions have broken me in ways that I cannot explain and now I feel very lost. I don't know which way to go. I don't know what is real and what isn't. Bipolar has broken me in ways that rape and abuse never did. It has taken from me my ability to believe in myself. To believe that what I am feeling is real. 

It has taken away "me".

Freak Show and Inspiration from a Dead Guy

I had intended to talk about how I was part of a freak show today, but then I visited Haven's blog because that is how I start my day each day, and as always I found something amazing. She is doing this 30 day challenge thing called Trust30

#Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. (I copied this from her blog)

Now I most likely oh who the hell am I kidding I will not follow the rules I am certain, but some of the prompts really spoke to me. I have joined quite a few places that have writing prompts and usually after just a few prompts I feel bored and uninspired. Fruit and letters to my 16 yr old self are not what I consider inspiring. No offense to those who are inspired by such things, but they do nothing for me. Yes my g-spot is hard to find and yes I know where it is. 

So the second I saw the writing prompt for today I knew I had to do this because it literally gave me goosebumps, my heart started beating faster and I felt a sudden urge to just "create". The prompt for to day is:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.”

What is one thing you can do that would make today worthwhile? What’s stopping you from getting started right now?

(Author: Jessica Dang)

Now I realize there are questions there but psfht yea whatever. I want to talk about the quote because holy hell me do I ever need to learn how to do this. Each day I beat myself about what I should have, could have, or ought to have done but didn't. I never see how much I truly have accomplished. I never see how much I have done and how far I have come. I only see how far I have left to go. I only think about how far I could have got if I had pushed a little harder or worked a little longer. No matter how much I do it is never ENOUGH. I should have always done MORE.

This is really something I need to work on. I need to start seeing the things I accomplish. I need to start acknowledging them instead of demeaning them. Belittling them. I would not belittle it if another person did it so why do I belittle myself? 

I really have to accept that I am human. I have limitations. I cannot move mountains even though I belittle myself for not being able to. I need to accept that this is life. I need to let go of that imaginary siren that beckons to me from the darkness. I need to just be. Right here. Right now. Be the flawed me that I am. Just be. 

So what is one thing I could do today to make today worthwhile? Just breathe.